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Sunset by =aureoverinicus:iconaureoverinicus:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Romantic > Other Romance > Fixed


Forsook, the day! While shedding light
Has passed me in the dead of night.
But sit I now, with waiting mind,
Imagining just how you shined.

A brief motif, a scaled façade,
A pungent proof of pensive gods.
What have I seen? Complete reprieve
From calloused closure of the eve.

Exude her light! Declare July!
A prism of a sunset sky.
Her sanguine hair proclaims glory;
A light, not bright, which mine can see.

With arching back and hands outstretched,
I reach into the sight.
With aching mind and message etched,
My hands and eyes ignite.

Our life shall leave us listless
With naught to cling onto,
Yet as it stands, I must confess
Her love is all I knew.

And so the pen shall cleave the stone
And write what I cant say;
To tell the tale of love alone
And for my night, her day.

~A/R
©2006-2008 =aureoverinicus
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Submitted: November 8, 2006
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Comments: 2
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Author's Comments

I cant seem to stop writing about this one girl. But damn. On the subject of the poem, again its iambic with a varying metre.
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~greeneyedenchantress:icongreeneyedenchantress: Nov 10, 2006, 10:44:44 AM
Definetly moving. Did you want the reader to pulse with the poem like blood from the heart? it seems of a heart pulsing... like what the girl did yours?

--
~~Sometimes the only way to find yourself is in another's arms~~
~joecoopdog:iconjoecoopdog: Feb 11, 2007, 3:57:26 AM
the meter is to strict I htink, its got some excellent feelings and vocabulary but its just as tight as a drum. Maybe loosen up and skip the rhyme on the first and third lines and maybe make first and third lines aliterate and it would probably really loosen up the tight structure and let it flow a little more freely... just anidea, I may not be right but you may want to give it a try as well. this is some really good writing if you were a girl I would be all over wanting to do a collab and deconstruct your awesome poem a bit and make the changes myself LOL In fact this is something I imagine yo could do quite easily, taking away the 1st and third line rhymes which are really unnecessary in word and trying more words that suit the mood you want to create for each stanza is not too hard and actually kinda nice to get ones mind off of the intensity of the moment if it feeling too intense and too forced. Please don't take any of this as not constructive, I just read your journal entry and seen you really wanted some criticism and so I had to offer a little...
Best regards,
Joe
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